Stone Ghazal
35April 30, 2020 by petrujviljoen
Edited version.
seeded, it resisted being worked on; a solemn stone
it was worked, for symmetry but around; a quantum stone
embryonic holding the primitive streak, solemn work
natural, whole, one around the sun; an unbidden stone
a foreign body, bleeding knots for months, for years, nourished
the soil, spawned life beyond the kin of the hidden one: stone
the wild of this life unbidden, born bleeding, and tempered
while buffeted, this primitive land holds a foreign stone
the gardener’s delight in the work of her symmetry;
inborn urge. Create! The nature of the heart: seeded stone
grief a burden but bird’s wild love was spawned beyond the land’s
meekness. Petru: were you whole? once; yes: inherent stone
rounding the sun, a holding close – the heartened foreign ear
winged by the wind listens to the current soil’s Mother stone
………………
First version (for those who have the time)
a seed who doesn’t want to be worked on; a solemn stone
it was for symmetry and worked around; a quantum stone
the primitive yolk sack, embryonic holding solemn work-
ing natural, whole, around the sun an unbidden stone
a foreign body, bleeding knots for months, for years, nourished
the soil, spawned a growth beyond the kin of the possum: stone
the wild of this life unbidden, tempered while cossetted
but born bleeding, this primitive land holds a foreign stone
gardener and delight in the work of this symmetry;
inborn urge. Create! The nature of the heart: unborn stone
grief a burden but bird’s wild love was spawned beyond the land’s
meekness. Petru: were you whole? once; but inherent stone
rounding the sun, a holding close – the heartened foreign ear
winged by the wind listens to the current soil’s Mother stone
Copyright Petru J Viljoen
I dig this. The first version’s voice felt clearer, but the second also has abstract merits in that it’s open to multiple interpretations.
I have no preference, but it was fascinating to witness your process. both versions are strong.
By “first version”, I meant the unedited version. I just realized that I wasn’t very clear.
🙂
Thanks Barry. I stopped editing when I realised I may be taking the life out of it. I’ll give it another run over and perhaps put some of the ‘mess’ back!
I think it has more to do with what you wanted your poem to say. Sometimes I want my work’s message to be “on the nose”, while others I like keeping vague and then hearing how the reader interprets it for themselves.
That is to say, messy or tidy, I really dig your work here.
Thank you very much Barry.
Love all those ‘stones’. After my own heart. One particular object having within it the capacity to give birth to … and be an opening. The word ‘stone’ itself is a generalisation, a ‘type’; yet each is individual. I love stone as ‘bleeding knot’.
Thank you Ann!
Hope you are okay ‘over there’ in the current situation.
South Africa seems to be doing better than most countries – at the moment – having learned from others. The virus is only now beginning to hit the actual area I’m in and I’m going under voluntary lockdown until it’s all over. Can’t afford to get ill. Cat and I are fine.
Yes, take very good care of yourself. At least we can’t infect each other online – not physically, anyway. We are just coming out of lockdown, though I’m not going to the local nightclub anytime soon. Ever, in fact. Kiss your cat for me. My two are fine. One in particular is very happy my husband is at home so much. 🙂
A kiss she’s getting from you. Local nightclub – stormed out of the one and only bar mid-afternoon one afternoon and will never go back ever again as long as I may live so help me G-d! A story for another day. Perhaps even a blog post. Ha-ha-ha!!
I like your stories. As you see, I’m still very sporadic.
Wow, Petru. I especially like “the wild of this life unbidden, born bleeding, and tempered
while buffeted, this primitive land holds a foreign stone”–Sorry I don’t know how to put you on my special Reader list.
Thanks Nan. I’ve also given up on having a list of blogs I follow. The technical stuff is too much for me most of the time!
Just butting in: ‘me too’.
🙂
lovely.. the kind of poem that will reseed and resonate long after its grounding.
Much appreciated!
I love ghazals and find them very challenging. Yours gives me a new example of the form to aspire to. Very well done.
Thank you very much. I was, in turn inspired by a poet called Edil Hassan. Found her on The Poetry Foundation site. Thanks for the follow!
There’s a harsh reality in this, the fragile bleeding embryo heart linked to the stone, the stone to the land, and aren’t we all foreign bodies in the end?
Wonderful comment. Thanks Jane. Hope your comp problems get sorted asap.
I’m hoping to get a new computer as soon as we come out of confinement. The prices are already soaring so there’s nothing to be gained by hanging on until if rolls over and dies.
Good to hear that.
This somehow reminded me of Wallace Stevens’ “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird”. A thoughtful write!
Thanks.
Nice phrase: “grief a burden but bird’s wild love”
Thanks Frank.
I prefer the original version – I understood it.
Anna :o]
Okay! Thanks.
“Everybody must get stoned”…I can dig it. I got lost in your bundle of stones, but I enjoyed the ride twice.
🙂
This is an epic ghazal, Petru! I love all the different types of stone, especially the solemn, the unbidden and the Mother stones, and the embryonic quantum stone ‘holding the primitive streak’. I also love the shift to ‘the gardener’s delight in the work of her symmetry’ and the inborn urge to create.
And then I read the first version, which I also love.
Thanks Kim.