Power of the Pattern
32March 5, 2019 by petrujviljoen
the need to hurt; the being hurt
get out, get out! How to get out
this entirely hurting place
in such a state so to continue
get out, get out! How to get out
unpluralling the negation
in such a state so to continue
keeping on and on withdrawing
unpluralling the negation
the recurrant hurting, smarting
keeping on and on withdrawing
undeserving of living
the recurrant hurting, smarting
suffering thuds, the silence dull
undeserving of living
of withholding from inflicting.
….
First draft for Dverse Poetry Form Month of the Pantoum.
Strong constructive criticism please.
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This is a very deep poem of hurt and it works as it flows. Gina advised me to try interlocking rhyme on my attempt, so I have revised that using the same poem. I didn’t quite get the way rhyme might work in the Pantoum too. I have just read some other Pantoum dealing with the dark side of life and seems to work. I would go for line length and reworking some key lines that get repeated. I found trying to use rhyme may have affected the spontaneity of my poem. Yours works well on this.
Thank you very much.
Deep introspection here PETRU.
withholding from inflicting… great advice
Interesting form.
The verse reminds me of a tornado or hurricane.
Once they pass – healing can begin.
Hope to get there soon.
Consistent dark image. The lines work albeit abstract, and I prefer those pantoum that use the ABAB rhyme pattern in the stanzas — though that is a bit more tough.
Thanks Sabio. I didn’t get the bit about it having to rhyme. I’ll edit and hopefully you get to see it.
I think the irregular rhythm works well to emphasize the constriction and fear in this inner dialogue. It should not be pretty or regular, and the circle also serves to reinforce the feeling of the constricted mind. If it’s too rhythmic it will destroy that element. Fear does not rhyme.
But then I think the repetition is the most important element of the pantoum. and the rest is quite bendable. Obviously, I’m an outlier in that.
I think I’ll rewrite altogether but will keep the first draft.
Certainly mesmerising. What I’ve noticed is that in your poem the first and the last lines are not the same, but I didn’t study this form much merely copied the pattern from a blogging friend in which they were.
I’ve written some pantoum before but somehow in this effort all the rules went out the window. I’ll edit. 🙂
Ohh, I’ve read a bunch now and each one is completely different from the rest in form. 😀 No need to edit for that, I suppose. When I was writing mine, I wasn’t aware of certain seemingly obligatory rhymes, for example… Next time.
A pantoum strictly speaking has a rhyme pattern, usually ABAB, you keep the same line length throughout the poem and the last stanza reuses the third and first lines of the first stanza so you end up back where you started. Yours is a free style poem using the repetition of lines. As everyone else has said, it’s very effective as a poem. Why not tinker with it to get the rhythm and rhymes going?
Right. Thanks! Will edit.
Keep this version though. You might find the rhyme and rhythm don’t fit what you want to say.
I had a look and thought so myself.
Not every subject is right for every form.
your theme fits the pantoum perfectly, asking questions that have no answers, ruminating and deliberations. but the pantoum is an odd for, it is so lenient its almost free verse yet so strict it must be followed on some areas to stand proud as a pantoum. your interlocking lines gives the strong connect. if you want a better rhythm, i would suggest picking a rhyming scheme, it could be the traditional abab or the sometimes used aabb or abba. the first line sets the stage and the last line, identical or with punctuation resolves the drama. its like a play with a few acts. I hope I have made sense, if you need clarification please ask, as I do find your subject a most excellent and worthy one for this form. thank you so much for participating!
Love the input and will have a look-see how to edit. Thanks a lot.
i look forward to reading the edit, you have something really good going here. thank you for reading my long comment!!
Likewise!
“Unpluraling the negation” I like it.
rather proud of that one myself – thanks!
Petru, I feel pain and helplessness in your pantoum. I don’t know enough about the form to give any feedback in that regard.
The human condition is a bit of a helpless case don’t you think?
Petru, I think the human condition is the worst of times and the best of times all rolled into one. There is such beauty in it, but there is no escaping the sorrow of it 😦 Maybe we are looking at it wrong. A bluebird doesn’t think about whether it is happy or not — it sings.
and we write.
Reblogged this on NANMYKEL.COM and commented:
Gut to gut.
Thanks for the reblog Nan.
Wow. So powerful: unpluralling the negation
the recurrant hurting, smarting
keeping on and on withdrawing
undeserving of living
I guess I don’t know enough to be constructive, but it strikes a chord in me, especially today.
Sorry you’re hurting too Nan! Email if you like?