Power of the Pattern

32

March 5, 2019 by petrujviljoen

the need to hurt; the being hurt
get out, get out! How to get out
this entirely hurting place
in such a state so to continue

get out, get out! How to get out
unpluralling the negation
in such a state so to continue
keeping on and on withdrawing

unpluralling the negation
the recurrant hurting, smarting
keeping on and on withdrawing
undeserving of living

the recurrant hurting, smarting
suffering thuds, the silence dull
undeserving of living
of withholding from inflicting.

….

First draft for Dverse Poetry Form Month of the Pantoum.
Strong constructive criticism please.

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32 thoughts on “Power of the Pattern

  1. This is a very deep poem of hurt and it works as it flows. Gina advised me to try interlocking rhyme on my attempt, so I have revised that using the same poem. I didn’t quite get the way rhyme might work in the Pantoum too. I have just read some other Pantoum dealing with the dark side of life and seems to work. I would go for line length and reworking some key lines that get repeated. I found trying to use rhyme may have affected the spontaneity of my poem. Yours works well on this.

  2. robtkistner says:

    Deep introspection here PETRU.

  3. withholding from inflicting… great advice

  4. Jules says:

    Interesting form.
    The verse reminds me of a tornado or hurricane.
    Once they pass – healing can begin.

  5. Sabio Lantz says:

    Consistent dark image. The lines work albeit abstract, and I prefer those pantoum that use the ABAB rhyme pattern in the stanzas — though that is a bit more tough.

  6. memadtwo says:

    I think the irregular rhythm works well to emphasize the constriction and fear in this inner dialogue. It should not be pretty or regular, and the circle also serves to reinforce the feeling of the constricted mind. If it’s too rhythmic it will destroy that element. Fear does not rhyme.
    But then I think the repetition is the most important element of the pantoum. and the rest is quite bendable. Obviously, I’m an outlier in that.

  7. Certainly mesmerising. What I’ve noticed is that in your poem the first and the last lines are not the same, but I didn’t study this form much merely copied the pattern from a blogging friend in which they were.

    • I’ve written some pantoum before but somehow in this effort all the rules went out the window. I’ll edit. 🙂

      • Ohh, I’ve read a bunch now and each one is completely different from the rest in form. 😀 No need to edit for that, I suppose. When I was writing mine, I wasn’t aware of certain seemingly obligatory rhymes, for example… Next time.

  8. A pantoum strictly speaking has a rhyme pattern, usually ABAB, you keep the same line length throughout the poem and the last stanza reuses the third and first lines of the first stanza so you end up back where you started. Yours is a free style poem using the repetition of lines. As everyone else has said, it’s very effective as a poem. Why not tinker with it to get the rhythm and rhymes going?

  9. Gina says:

    your theme fits the pantoum perfectly, asking questions that have no answers, ruminating and deliberations. but the pantoum is an odd for, it is so lenient its almost free verse yet so strict it must be followed on some areas to stand proud as a pantoum. your interlocking lines gives the strong connect. if you want a better rhythm, i would suggest picking a rhyming scheme, it could be the traditional abab or the sometimes used aabb or abba. the first line sets the stage and the last line, identical or with punctuation resolves the drama. its like a play with a few acts. I hope I have made sense, if you need clarification please ask, as I do find your subject a most excellent and worthy one for this form. thank you so much for participating!

  10. “Unpluraling the negation” I like it.

  11. msjadeli says:

    Petru, I feel pain and helplessness in your pantoum. I don’t know enough about the form to give any feedback in that regard.

  12. Nan Mykel says:

    Reblogged this on NANMYKEL.COM and commented:
    Gut to gut.

  13. Nan Mykel says:

    Wow. So powerful: unpluralling the negation
    the recurrant hurting, smarting
    keeping on and on withdrawing
    undeserving of living

    I guess I don’t know enough to be constructive, but it strikes a chord in me, especially today.

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