Evidence – Octain for Dverse
25March 25, 2016 by petrujviljoen
Copyright PetruJViljoen
Footprint cast in hardened mud
Bits of grass, side-stepped glass
This way she came, did she pass.
Walked away, the dearly beloved –
Journey’s tale significantly veiled;
Flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood.
Won’t you, please, turn the hourglass
Yet to see a footprint, fresh with mud?
Text Copyright PetruJViljoen
Linked To Dverse where the challenge is to write an Octain,
hosted by Victoria C Slotto
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Concrete foot steps now
failing to flow with dance..
sinking to the bottom
of car trunks..
lap
tops..
iN
4 iNch
screen
way now..:)
🙂
I visited your blog and am going to have to admit my internet connection is so slow here where I live that it will take about an hour and many reloads for one post: I do appreciate your visits to my site and admire your insistence on doing what you think is right and free. Petru.
WInks mY friend..
No problem..
After aLL
is said
And
dOne
i
Am
A traveling
Blog.. Short
Version wherever
i write.. WInks2..
The home versions
Are lots of copy
And paste..
Just
For the record..:)
🙂
🙂
Indeed, to be able to turn that hourglass again…
Such a lot of depth here in your verse…!!
Whew. There’s a weight here that’s heavier than that footprint.
Eloquent words, filled with loss and longing. Well-written.
An almost perfect Octain! The line that starts as ‘Journey’s tale’ is your c/c line, the one that should contain an internal rhyme, for example:
“Walked away the dearly beloved—
journey’s tale–exposed, unveiled;
Flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood.”
i.e. tale/unveil
Just sharing so that you might have a bit more understanding of the format. Great job for a first time!
I appreciate this enormously! Thank you very much. I’ll edit the poem accordingly. This is why I blog the poetry – constructive feedback.
how poingnant
Thank you Candy.
Interesting perspective of loss…quite poignant.
Thanks!
Indeed this is very sad and poignant ~ Love the twist in the last line with:
Won’t you, please, turn the hourglass
Yet to see a footprint, fresh with mud? (contrasting with hardened of first line)
Very well done with form~
Thanks. I noted the feedback from Ginny Brannan though.
She came and left, now nothing left but mud. How sad. It made me feel your loss.
Really depthful…and sad!
Strong, with a touch of melancholy …nice……
Agree with Nan, powerful! I appreciate this very much!
Very effective in sharing that feeling of loss. The image worked so well, too.
Oooh…sad, heavy, tender…powerful
Thanks Nan! You coming to play?