Evidence – Octain for Dverse

25

March 25, 2016 by petrujviljoen

Copyright PetruJViljoen

Copyright PetruJViljoen

Footprint cast in hardened mud

Bits of grass, side-stepped glass

This way she came, did she pass.

 

Walked away, the dearly beloved –

Journey’s tale significantly veiled;

Flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood.

 

Won’t you, please, turn the hourglass

Yet to see a footprint, fresh with mud?

Text Copyright PetruJViljoen

 

Linked To Dverse where the challenge is to write an Octain,

hosted by Victoria C Slotto

25 thoughts on “Evidence – Octain for Dverse

  1. Concrete foot steps now
    failing to flow with dance..
    sinking to the bottom
    of car trunks..
    lap
    tops..
    iN
    4 iNch
    screen
    way now..:)

  2. Bryan Ens says:

    Indeed, to be able to turn that hourglass again…

  3. Sanaa Rizvi says:

    Such a lot of depth here in your verse…!!

  4. whimsygizmo says:

    Whew. There’s a weight here that’s heavier than that footprint.

  5. Barry D. says:

    Eloquent words, filled with loss and longing. Well-written.

  6. An almost perfect Octain! The line that starts as ‘Journey’s tale’ is your c/c line, the one that should contain an internal rhyme, for example:

    “Walked away the dearly beloved—
    journey’s tale–exposed, unveiled;
    Flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood.”

    i.e. tale/unveil
    Just sharing so that you might have a bit more understanding of the format. Great job for a first time!

  7. Bodhirose says:

    Interesting perspective of loss…quite poignant.

  8. Grace says:

    Indeed this is very sad and poignant ~ Love the twist in the last line with:

    Won’t you, please, turn the hourglass

    Yet to see a footprint, fresh with mud? (contrasting with hardened of first line)

    Very well done with form~

  9. Waltermarks says:

    She came and left, now nothing left but mud. How sad. It made me feel your loss.

  10. Mary says:

    Really depthful…and sad!

  11. Kathy Reed says:

    Strong, with a touch of melancholy …nice……

  12. Agree with Nan, powerful! I appreciate this very much!

  13. Very effective in sharing that feeling of loss. The image worked so well, too.

  14. nmykel says:

    Oooh…sad, heavy, tender…powerful

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