Evidence – Octain for Dverse
25March 25, 2016 by petrujviljoen
Copyright PetruJViljoen
Footprint cast in hardened mud
Bits of grass, side-stepped glass
This way she came, did she pass.
Walked away, the dearly beloved –
Journey’s tale significantly veiled;
Flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood.
Won’t you, please, turn the hourglass
Yet to see a footprint, fresh with mud?
Text Copyright PetruJViljoen
Linked To Dverse where the challenge is to write an Octain,
hosted by Victoria C Slotto
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Concrete foot steps now
failing to flow with dance..
sinking to the bottom
of car trunks..
lap
tops..
iN
4 iNch
screen
way now..:)
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🙂
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I visited your blog and am going to have to admit my internet connection is so slow here where I live that it will take about an hour and many reloads for one post: I do appreciate your visits to my site and admire your insistence on doing what you think is right and free. Petru.
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WInks mY friend..
No problem..
After aLL
is said
And
dOne
i
Am
A traveling
Blog.. Short
Version wherever
i write.. WInks2..
The home versions
Are lots of copy
And paste..
Just
For the record..:)
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🙂
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🙂
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Indeed, to be able to turn that hourglass again…
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Such a lot of depth here in your verse…!!
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Whew. There’s a weight here that’s heavier than that footprint.
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Eloquent words, filled with loss and longing. Well-written.
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An almost perfect Octain! The line that starts as ‘Journey’s tale’ is your c/c line, the one that should contain an internal rhyme, for example:
“Walked away the dearly beloved—
journey’s tale–exposed, unveiled;
Flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood.”
i.e. tale/unveil
Just sharing so that you might have a bit more understanding of the format. Great job for a first time!
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I appreciate this enormously! Thank you very much. I’ll edit the poem accordingly. This is why I blog the poetry – constructive feedback.
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how poingnant
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Thank you Candy.
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Interesting perspective of loss…quite poignant.
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Thanks!
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Indeed this is very sad and poignant ~ Love the twist in the last line with:
Won’t you, please, turn the hourglass
Yet to see a footprint, fresh with mud? (contrasting with hardened of first line)
Very well done with form~
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Thanks. I noted the feedback from Ginny Brannan though.
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She came and left, now nothing left but mud. How sad. It made me feel your loss.
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Really depthful…and sad!
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Strong, with a touch of melancholy …nice……
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Agree with Nan, powerful! I appreciate this very much!
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Very effective in sharing that feeling of loss. The image worked so well, too.
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Oooh…sad, heavy, tender…powerful
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Thanks Nan! You coming to play?
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